I wish I could say that I've missed this blog; the truth is, I haven't. But if it helps anyone even half as much as it helped me, it was definitely worth the effort.
I thought you might want to know that we are still alive and well...thriving, actually. I know that some of you continue to pray for us, and I am so grateful! We're expecting baby number five soon. Yep, God continues to amaze me!
If you've e-mailed me and I haven't responded, I'm sorry. I haven't been very good about checking this account. I do check it from time to time though, so please write; just be patient in waiting for a response.
Love to you all!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Monday, May 12, 2008
Closing Thoughts...;)
Well my friends, I just sent the link to this blog to my sis-in-law this morning, and it got me thinking, "Should I post a more-encouraging-than-the-last-post update?" I didn't intend to leave you all hanging on such a depressing moment-in-time (although I still feel that way sometimes).
Truth is, things are good. I'm raising my bebes, working on my book, writing/editing web content part-time, and starting a new online business. I'm happy and healthy, as are my four kiddos and my, ummm, wonderful, husband. I know that my new-found productivity is the result of a healthy mind and soul. Every moment on my feet is a miracle.
I feel like I'm continually adjusting to this life of faithfulness. I find myself joining in when my fellow wives are speaking well of their men. I'm still caught a little off-guard, and am often somewhat embarrassed by this; but I do see things getting better and better.
For two people that have absolutely no logical reason being together, we are extremely happy. Do people realize, when they pass us and our quad stroller on the street, that they are witnessing a living, breathing miracle? I guess they don't. I pray that someday they will, because we are truly a story worth telling.
This is NOT my last post. I'll try to post an update every once in a while. But please know this: whether you hear from me or not, God is working. God is amazing! And, BTW, if you go to a church that makes God seem less than awesome plus totally cool, you're in the wrong place. God is not lame, and He's never boring. A life in pursuit of Him will be the hardest thing you ever do, but it will be so worth it, both in this life, AND IN THE LIFE TO COME!
Please keep linking to me, because what's here is worth reading. And whenever we cross your thoughts, please say a prayer as well.
May the peace of Christ be with you all!
Truth is, things are good. I'm raising my bebes, working on my book, writing/editing web content part-time, and starting a new online business. I'm happy and healthy, as are my four kiddos and my, ummm, wonderful, husband. I know that my new-found productivity is the result of a healthy mind and soul. Every moment on my feet is a miracle.
I feel like I'm continually adjusting to this life of faithfulness. I find myself joining in when my fellow wives are speaking well of their men. I'm still caught a little off-guard, and am often somewhat embarrassed by this; but I do see things getting better and better.
For two people that have absolutely no logical reason being together, we are extremely happy. Do people realize, when they pass us and our quad stroller on the street, that they are witnessing a living, breathing miracle? I guess they don't. I pray that someday they will, because we are truly a story worth telling.
This is NOT my last post. I'll try to post an update every once in a while. But please know this: whether you hear from me or not, God is working. God is amazing! And, BTW, if you go to a church that makes God seem less than awesome plus totally cool, you're in the wrong place. God is not lame, and He's never boring. A life in pursuit of Him will be the hardest thing you ever do, but it will be so worth it, both in this life, AND IN THE LIFE TO COME!
Please keep linking to me, because what's here is worth reading. And whenever we cross your thoughts, please say a prayer as well.
May the peace of Christ be with you all!
Monday, January 14, 2008
Sleeping with the Enemy
I won't say I'm back, because life is just too unpredictable, but I'm here now. I'm not sure where I am in this healing cycle (that I hoped would be almost over by now), but I'm afraid I'm still very near the beginning. Tonight, I'm here to "talk" about the reality of sleeping with the enemy.
I've written lengthy posts about "sex" on this sex addiction blog, and just how important I believe it is to a marriage. I believe that intercourse is the very thing, that when coupled with spiritual intimacy, makes one person from two people. Without sex, or with lags in our sex life, I quickly begin to close my heart from my husband. Once my heart begins to close, the idea of a sex life becomes very scary and even sickening. That is the cycle I keep breaking, and then falling right back into.
Hubby bought me a new ring for Christmas (I'll post a picture soon. It's very pretty). I really thought that my naked finger was somehow contributing to my fantasies of divorce and freedom, and that once I was again a marked woman, I would "feel" a great deal more married. While, during my weekly trip to the grocery store, I now enjoy the safety-net that is provided by the little sparkle on my left hand, my heart has (surprise, surprise) not changed toward my husband. I have come to a very stark and painful realization about myself. I am not a forgiving person. Actually, I am quite judgemental. I talk a pretty good game, but my children, and the still-small-voice of my Lord are the only reasons I have continued in this marriage. Currently, there is a third reason: it would break Brian's heart if I were to leave. I know, it's strange that that is a reason, but I wouldn't be honest if I didn't include it.
Am I in-love with my husband? NO, you can't be "in-love" with someone you still spend time hating, can you? But I no longer know what "in-love" means. Is he in-love with me? Yes, it seems very clear that he now is. What I said before, about being unforgiving, seems to be the main problem in my life right now. If I could take him for who he is today, a new creation from the one who brutally abused me for three-and-a-half years, I'd be good. We'd be good. Apparently, I still haven't learned how to do that. Some nights I still crawl out of bed because the pain of sleeping near him is too intense. Especially when I go to bed determined to be affectionate, or fun, and somehow end up feeling rejected.
Anyway, I want to say that there is hope; some days I still feel a great deal of hope for the total restoration of my marriage. But my Hope is only found in one Person. Do you suppose I will ever find it without truly learning to forgive my husband? And what really qualifies as forgiveness anyway?
On a positive note: Hubby and I spend a lot of time talking about the future: businesses, places to live, more children. We're tracking together, and are really enjoying each other's company. What he doesn't know is how easily I am triggered, and sent plummeting to hell in a mental spiral. I shouldn't focus on the negative without acknowledging the fact that I do see a great deal of potential. I still know we are a good fit. There is actually no one else with whom I'd rather spend my time. When I'm up, I like hanging out with him; when I'm down (because of our past), I don't want to see anyone. I'm comfortable around him. That's kind of like love. Maybe that is love! Who knows?;)
He treated me very badly, and obviously my human heart has a hard time letting go of that. Please pray that God will grant me supernatural understanding of what I already "know". And, as always, let me know how I can be praying for you.
I've written lengthy posts about "sex" on this sex addiction blog, and just how important I believe it is to a marriage. I believe that intercourse is the very thing, that when coupled with spiritual intimacy, makes one person from two people. Without sex, or with lags in our sex life, I quickly begin to close my heart from my husband. Once my heart begins to close, the idea of a sex life becomes very scary and even sickening. That is the cycle I keep breaking, and then falling right back into.
Hubby bought me a new ring for Christmas (I'll post a picture soon. It's very pretty). I really thought that my naked finger was somehow contributing to my fantasies of divorce and freedom, and that once I was again a marked woman, I would "feel" a great deal more married. While, during my weekly trip to the grocery store, I now enjoy the safety-net that is provided by the little sparkle on my left hand, my heart has (surprise, surprise) not changed toward my husband. I have come to a very stark and painful realization about myself. I am not a forgiving person. Actually, I am quite judgemental. I talk a pretty good game, but my children, and the still-small-voice of my Lord are the only reasons I have continued in this marriage. Currently, there is a third reason: it would break Brian's heart if I were to leave. I know, it's strange that that is a reason, but I wouldn't be honest if I didn't include it.
Am I in-love with my husband? NO, you can't be "in-love" with someone you still spend time hating, can you? But I no longer know what "in-love" means. Is he in-love with me? Yes, it seems very clear that he now is. What I said before, about being unforgiving, seems to be the main problem in my life right now. If I could take him for who he is today, a new creation from the one who brutally abused me for three-and-a-half years, I'd be good. We'd be good. Apparently, I still haven't learned how to do that. Some nights I still crawl out of bed because the pain of sleeping near him is too intense. Especially when I go to bed determined to be affectionate, or fun, and somehow end up feeling rejected.
Anyway, I want to say that there is hope; some days I still feel a great deal of hope for the total restoration of my marriage. But my Hope is only found in one Person. Do you suppose I will ever find it without truly learning to forgive my husband? And what really qualifies as forgiveness anyway?
On a positive note: Hubby and I spend a lot of time talking about the future: businesses, places to live, more children. We're tracking together, and are really enjoying each other's company. What he doesn't know is how easily I am triggered, and sent plummeting to hell in a mental spiral. I shouldn't focus on the negative without acknowledging the fact that I do see a great deal of potential. I still know we are a good fit. There is actually no one else with whom I'd rather spend my time. When I'm up, I like hanging out with him; when I'm down (because of our past), I don't want to see anyone. I'm comfortable around him. That's kind of like love. Maybe that is love! Who knows?;)
He treated me very badly, and obviously my human heart has a hard time letting go of that. Please pray that God will grant me supernatural understanding of what I already "know". And, as always, let me know how I can be praying for you.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Where Was God?
Early Sunday afternoon, Matthew Murray, a troubled young man from a Christian home, charged the foyer of our church (we're living over three hours away at the moment, but still consider NLC to be our earthly home) and killed two of the most precious members. It makes you wonder: Had God already gone home? It's hard to fathom an all-powerful God allowing people to be killed in one of His earthly houses; but still, it happens. While it is a relatively new phenomenon in our blessed country, it is not uncommon for believers in other parts of the world to be martyred in their places of worship.
Today I have been asking several questions of God. First, if people, for some reason I will never understand, needed to die in the attack, why did they have to be from the same family? I keep wondering how I would go on after losing all of my children (I'm not certain whether or not Rachel and Stephanie had any other siblings).
Second, where was God? I know this is a nonsensical question. I know that God is everywhere, and that He not only weeps for our pain, but has enjoyed welcoming the Works sisters home. I know that He has a plan, and that even when we violate that plan, we still cannot stop His ultimate design from being fulfilled. I know these things, but would I dare speak them to a wounded and grieving father, and a devastated mother?
The third question I find myself asking is why, WHY does Satan care so much? He only succeeded in sending four people to heaven yesterday. He will not disillusion New Lifers, or YWAMers. They are a strong people who love God will all of their hearts, minds, and collective strength. I supposed, though, that if he could succeed in causing one person to turn away from God in the midst of such tragedy, he would have succeeded. That being said, the battle seems to be only beginning, not ending with the cooling of the guns.
Lastly, and with the most gut-wrenching fervor, I ask about Matthew. John Bevere gives a wonderful teaching about how an offense is the bait Satan uses to cause our hearts to turn cold toward God. What did Satan say to Matthew, that Matthew chose to believe, that caused his heart to harden so severely? He thought about going to Colorado Christian last semester, was there still a pull happening in his life at that time? When was his conscience completely seared? What did he do for the twelve hours between the shootings? What did he say to himself, to Satan, and to God?
I know that Matthew chose to do what he did. Although Satan is very good at convincing us otherwise, he cannot completely control us without our permission. But still, something so tragic must have happened in Matthew's life and soul to cause him to develop such an open, festering wound. I weep for him.
Tonight I will pray for the Murray family. Even more than for the Works family, I cannot imagine their grief. How can there be any solace in the Murray home today? Somehow they must find comfort in the arms of their Savior. They will need time to weep, and to ask "WHY?!" over, and over, and over again, until they can, someday, give their grief and confusion to God.
Praise be to God that He is everywhere, and in all things, but I pray that His presence will reside in the Works and Murray homes (and in the Johnson and Crouse homes as well) especially today, and in the difficult months ahead.
Today I have been asking several questions of God. First, if people, for some reason I will never understand, needed to die in the attack, why did they have to be from the same family? I keep wondering how I would go on after losing all of my children (I'm not certain whether or not Rachel and Stephanie had any other siblings).
Second, where was God? I know this is a nonsensical question. I know that God is everywhere, and that He not only weeps for our pain, but has enjoyed welcoming the Works sisters home. I know that He has a plan, and that even when we violate that plan, we still cannot stop His ultimate design from being fulfilled. I know these things, but would I dare speak them to a wounded and grieving father, and a devastated mother?
The third question I find myself asking is why, WHY does Satan care so much? He only succeeded in sending four people to heaven yesterday. He will not disillusion New Lifers, or YWAMers. They are a strong people who love God will all of their hearts, minds, and collective strength. I supposed, though, that if he could succeed in causing one person to turn away from God in the midst of such tragedy, he would have succeeded. That being said, the battle seems to be only beginning, not ending with the cooling of the guns.
Lastly, and with the most gut-wrenching fervor, I ask about Matthew. John Bevere gives a wonderful teaching about how an offense is the bait Satan uses to cause our hearts to turn cold toward God. What did Satan say to Matthew, that Matthew chose to believe, that caused his heart to harden so severely? He thought about going to Colorado Christian last semester, was there still a pull happening in his life at that time? When was his conscience completely seared? What did he do for the twelve hours between the shootings? What did he say to himself, to Satan, and to God?
I know that Matthew chose to do what he did. Although Satan is very good at convincing us otherwise, he cannot completely control us without our permission. But still, something so tragic must have happened in Matthew's life and soul to cause him to develop such an open, festering wound. I weep for him.
Tonight I will pray for the Murray family. Even more than for the Works family, I cannot imagine their grief. How can there be any solace in the Murray home today? Somehow they must find comfort in the arms of their Savior. They will need time to weep, and to ask "WHY?!" over, and over, and over again, until they can, someday, give their grief and confusion to God.
Praise be to God that He is everywhere, and in all things, but I pray that His presence will reside in the Works and Murray homes (and in the Johnson and Crouse homes as well) especially today, and in the difficult months ahead.
Friday, December 7, 2007
I Know, It's About Time!
Well, I'm headed to bed after another long day of writing til my head hurts. I thought I'd better stop by for a minute or two, before you all start forgetting about me. Let me assure you though, I could never forget about you, no matter how busy life gets. Thank you so much for keeping the e-mails coming, they are such a comfort.
I haven't known what I should blog about...nothing has been getting me overly excited, or making me sob, so that I feel urged to run to you and pour it out. It's not like me to feel this way...so, um, levelheaded;) I'm just pushing through life, day-by-day, not putting much thought toward tomorrow, just trying to stay sane for my kids today. As I write this down, it seems almost healthy, but I'm not sure it is. I am a passionate person, and believe I was created to live that way.
On that subject, something has happened to Hubby and me. We're not having sex. OK, not never, but rarely. He seems to think that this level of comfort is great...I suppose something he has never felt before. I just find it to be frustrating! Of course, it's around 1 am, and he has been in bed for an hour. My schedule isn't helping the problem.
I'm bringing in a little money now, and can see a good plan for more in the future, but the holidays are here which makes all of our regular bills appear as insurmountable mountains. Brian wants to buy the kids presents, to which I panic at the very thought of even letting him loose in the dollar store. Our kids are all too young to care about Christmas, and do NOT need any more toys to clutter our apartment. Still, Christmas is the only time of year when he is struck with pleasant memories of his childhood, and I don't want to be the Grinch (help! my heart is three sizes too small!). Pray that we can come to a reasonable compromise that will not put too much strain on next month.
OK, I've rambled a bit, and feel ready to sleep soundly. I pray you are all well, and that you are feeling as blessed as you truly are (this is what I've been praying for myself) this holiday season.
Have a restful weekend (yeah right!;))
I haven't known what I should blog about...nothing has been getting me overly excited, or making me sob, so that I feel urged to run to you and pour it out. It's not like me to feel this way...so, um, levelheaded;) I'm just pushing through life, day-by-day, not putting much thought toward tomorrow, just trying to stay sane for my kids today. As I write this down, it seems almost healthy, but I'm not sure it is. I am a passionate person, and believe I was created to live that way.
On that subject, something has happened to Hubby and me. We're not having sex. OK, not never, but rarely. He seems to think that this level of comfort is great...I suppose something he has never felt before. I just find it to be frustrating! Of course, it's around 1 am, and he has been in bed for an hour. My schedule isn't helping the problem.
I'm bringing in a little money now, and can see a good plan for more in the future, but the holidays are here which makes all of our regular bills appear as insurmountable mountains. Brian wants to buy the kids presents, to which I panic at the very thought of even letting him loose in the dollar store. Our kids are all too young to care about Christmas, and do NOT need any more toys to clutter our apartment. Still, Christmas is the only time of year when he is struck with pleasant memories of his childhood, and I don't want to be the Grinch (help! my heart is three sizes too small!). Pray that we can come to a reasonable compromise that will not put too much strain on next month.
OK, I've rambled a bit, and feel ready to sleep soundly. I pray you are all well, and that you are feeling as blessed as you truly are (this is what I've been praying for myself) this holiday season.
Have a restful weekend (yeah right!;))
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Mostly dead
No, I'm not dead. At least I'm not all dead. I'm slightly alive!;) I haven't been ignoring this blog because my life is so bad. Life has been rough in places, but partly because I haven't been blogging. I have taken a writing job, and haven't had much spare time.
My brother's sin is still causing me some pain. I feel horrible admitting to this, but I'm more hurt for myself than I am for them. Last night, Hubby came up behind me in the kitchen to attempt to dance with me. I reluctantly gave in when I saw that our children were watching. I could not scrape together any enjoyment for the kind of ritual for which I have prayed (and prayed and prayed). Hubby pulled me close to whisper, "I love you." My reply caught in my throat, and I began to sob uncontrollably. Instead of holding me tighter (which is probably what I needed), Hubby let go, and stood back in awed and uncomfortable silence.
"Did I say something wrong?" he finally asked.
"No, of course not."
"Maybe you can explain to me later what just happened."
Maybe not.
My brother's sin is still causing me some pain. I feel horrible admitting to this, but I'm more hurt for myself than I am for them. Last night, Hubby came up behind me in the kitchen to attempt to dance with me. I reluctantly gave in when I saw that our children were watching. I could not scrape together any enjoyment for the kind of ritual for which I have prayed (and prayed and prayed). Hubby pulled me close to whisper, "I love you." My reply caught in my throat, and I began to sob uncontrollably. Instead of holding me tighter (which is probably what I needed), Hubby let go, and stood back in awed and uncomfortable silence.
"Did I say something wrong?" he finally asked.
"No, of course not."
"Maybe you can explain to me later what just happened."
Maybe not.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Welcome to the Club, Sis.
Sorry for another unexpected absence. I have felt a deep need to write down the events of this week; but, I have been detained by sick and needy children.
I received a call from one of my sister-in-laws (I have three younger brothers, the older two are married, and the call came from the wife of the second born). The issue she called to discuss is one that consumes a majority of my time. I have the honor, and privilege, of discussing this same epidemic with women every week. However, this devastating problem is not supposed to happen in my family, not again! My little brother is having an affair. Now, tell me, what am I supposed to do with that!?
I do not believe that all infidelity is born out of sex addiction. But, addiction shouldn't be immediately ruled out either. I married a sex addict, I dated a few sex addicts (that I knew had problems, but I was attracted to them anyway). And, even though I married Hubby because he was NOT a cheater...ha ha ha, I know I was attracted to the dysfunction in him (on an albeit subconscious level). Now, none of this negates, for me, the fact that I believe God specifically instructed me to marry Hubby. It does, however, allow the physical to meld with the spiritual a little bit.
If I had issues, of a sexual nature, in my past, is it possible that my little brother has these same issues? My dad, and paternal grandfather, have been completely straight and narrow men (as far as the lusts of the flesh go); they both have/had few, if any, vices. So, I've always analyzed my experiences as being solely the product of a sinful world, and not as pertaining to my family of origin. Could I have been wrong? Or, is my sweet, sarcastic, brilliant slacker of a little brother just a selfish $#!%^& ^&*$%^&!? I told my sister-in-law, "Well, he's a %^&&*(^ %^*$%^#$ either way. I just can't help but wonder if there is a deep rooted cause."
This whole issue has obviously brought up a lot of pain for me. I feel like I have been wounded all over again. My husband loved me deeply at the moment he married me, and then quickly "fell" out of love (as my brother did with his wife). I know the excruciating agony that is caused by a husband failing to love his wife. I know the suicidal thoughts that come from that harsh of a rejection. And, I know my sister-in-law doesn't have a Savior's arms to fall back into. I am so hurt for her. I am so hurt for myself. I am so hurt for their innocent little baby girl that is due in February. I am just so hurt.
I received a call from one of my sister-in-laws (I have three younger brothers, the older two are married, and the call came from the wife of the second born). The issue she called to discuss is one that consumes a majority of my time. I have the honor, and privilege, of discussing this same epidemic with women every week. However, this devastating problem is not supposed to happen in my family, not again! My little brother is having an affair. Now, tell me, what am I supposed to do with that!?
I do not believe that all infidelity is born out of sex addiction. But, addiction shouldn't be immediately ruled out either. I married a sex addict, I dated a few sex addicts (that I knew had problems, but I was attracted to them anyway). And, even though I married Hubby because he was NOT a cheater...ha ha ha, I know I was attracted to the dysfunction in him (on an albeit subconscious level). Now, none of this negates, for me, the fact that I believe God specifically instructed me to marry Hubby. It does, however, allow the physical to meld with the spiritual a little bit.
If I had issues, of a sexual nature, in my past, is it possible that my little brother has these same issues? My dad, and paternal grandfather, have been completely straight and narrow men (as far as the lusts of the flesh go); they both have/had few, if any, vices. So, I've always analyzed my experiences as being solely the product of a sinful world, and not as pertaining to my family of origin. Could I have been wrong? Or, is my sweet, sarcastic, brilliant slacker of a little brother just a selfish $#!%^& ^&*$%^&!? I told my sister-in-law, "Well, he's a %^&&*(^ %^*$%^#$ either way. I just can't help but wonder if there is a deep rooted cause."
This whole issue has obviously brought up a lot of pain for me. I feel like I have been wounded all over again. My husband loved me deeply at the moment he married me, and then quickly "fell" out of love (as my brother did with his wife). I know the excruciating agony that is caused by a husband failing to love his wife. I know the suicidal thoughts that come from that harsh of a rejection. And, I know my sister-in-law doesn't have a Savior's arms to fall back into. I am so hurt for her. I am so hurt for myself. I am so hurt for their innocent little baby girl that is due in February. I am just so hurt.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Two Mites
I guess I've never been under the impression that God's love does much to make material, earthly life easier. But I've sure spent a lot of time wishing that were so. I do believe that God loves me. I'm sure I frustrate the heck out of him; however, since I still adore my maniacal children, I'm sure God loves me more than I could ever imagine. That being true, sin has entered this former nirvana, and while it continues to remain, life will be hard, that is just a fact.
Since the move, money has been as tight, or tighter than ever. I had our budget planned down to the penny (never a good idea btw), but Hubby has already missed a few days of work (not by choice), and we have, of course, had "unexpected" emergencies (mostly vehicle related).
The Lord solidified giving in both my and Hubby's hearts (really from the very beginning of our marriage). But, I've found myself holding back these last few weeks (maybe months). I haven't even broached the subject of tithing, because, after the bills are paid, there is just nothing left for God! Today, when it came time for the offering, Hubby took out his wallet and smiled at me. I know he had twenty-three dollars, and I'm assuming he removed the three ones. He put his wallet back into his pocket and waited for the ushers to come. Then, right before they got to us, he reached for his wallet again, this time removing the $20. I watched as he folded the four bills, with the singles on the outside, and slipped them into the offering bag. A tear rolled down my cheek. Hubby looked at me and whispered, "Are you mad at me?" "No, of course not." I answered. "I'm proud of you. I'm just scared."
Twenty-three dollars is not a lot of money; but, it sure seems like it when it was all you had for the upcoming the week.
"It's not our money anyway." Hubby whispered.
"I know." I sighed.
I keep asking (begging really) the Lord for material blessing. He continues to decline. I have no choice but to trust that there is a reason for this, and to pray for peace in every circumstance.
I'm still hoping for a break.
Since the move, money has been as tight, or tighter than ever. I had our budget planned down to the penny (never a good idea btw), but Hubby has already missed a few days of work (not by choice), and we have, of course, had "unexpected" emergencies (mostly vehicle related).
The Lord solidified giving in both my and Hubby's hearts (really from the very beginning of our marriage). But, I've found myself holding back these last few weeks (maybe months). I haven't even broached the subject of tithing, because, after the bills are paid, there is just nothing left for God! Today, when it came time for the offering, Hubby took out his wallet and smiled at me. I know he had twenty-three dollars, and I'm assuming he removed the three ones. He put his wallet back into his pocket and waited for the ushers to come. Then, right before they got to us, he reached for his wallet again, this time removing the $20. I watched as he folded the four bills, with the singles on the outside, and slipped them into the offering bag. A tear rolled down my cheek. Hubby looked at me and whispered, "Are you mad at me?" "No, of course not." I answered. "I'm proud of you. I'm just scared."
Twenty-three dollars is not a lot of money; but, it sure seems like it when it was all you had for the upcoming the week.
"It's not our money anyway." Hubby whispered.
"I know." I sighed.
I keep asking (begging really) the Lord for material blessing. He continues to decline. I have no choice but to trust that there is a reason for this, and to pray for peace in every circumstance.
I'm still hoping for a break.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
What A Week!
I'm sorry I took another "absence". I'm no longer used to posting everyday. I plan to get back in the habit though, I think it's the healthiest part of my day.
I did finally respond to your incredible comments and e-mails from a couple of weeks ago. I'm sorry it took me so long to get around to that. I'm sure that no other blogger is as blessed as I am to have such godly, and encouraging, readers. You inspire me.
I'm pretty much just worn out. We don't have a dishwasher, and while we do have a washing machine, it's a very small one. I spend most of my time on dishes and laundry. I just spent the evening patching and mending Hubby's clothes, and finishing the kitchen. After my "chores" were done, I looked around and realized that our carpet is in extreme need of a serious vacuuming. I mean awful! But, all four kids are sleeping soundly, and I'm not about to chance waking them. So, the vacuuming will have to wait. Let the blogging begin!
My mom and grandma were in town last week. Did I mention that? They came to see my kids too, but the "reason" they were here was to watch my brother and sister-in-law's kids while they went on a little vacation (Can you upload the smell of jealousy over a dial-up connection?). It was a nice visit, but my grandma is a little high-strung, which makes my mom nervous, which makes me want to lock my door...well, you get the picture. Overall though, it was a very successful visit.
We also had a good girlfriend of mine staying with us for a few days. It was wonderful having her here, but company always makes me a little tired, no matter how helpful they are. I really enjoyed the adult conversation though! And, she was so sweet to sleep in the girls' room since we don't have a place for company.
Today we did our "new normal" Saturday thing. We drove into Taos to grocery shop, and pick up a few things at Wal-Mart. It's close to an hour drive each way, so it takes a good part of the day. Today we also needed to get tires for our minivan, which we can't afford (the tires or the van! ha!). I think we got a good deal on some used tires, but we'll see what the mechanic says when he puts them on. Neither Hubby or I know much about cars.
Hubby and I are doing pretty well. But I always hate him on Saturday mornings. He played video games while I fed, bathed, and clothed the kids, and got us ready for the day. I know he needs a day off, so it's a hard one....but I could use one too.
Also, I suffered through a BIG trigger tonight because of a stupid cartoon! Hubby was channel surfing to find something for the girls to watch (we ended up with cable because of our apartment complex, which hasn't posed any problems yet). He landed on "Over the Hedge". My heart stopped, and took awhile to start beating again. While we were separated he took "someone" to see that movie. I only know because I found the ticket stubs in his wallet when he was over visiting the girls (and I was SNOOPING!). It was an extremely painful discovery, because we had seen a cartoon on our first date (at my request), and had continued seeing them together as "our thing".
Hubby knew something was wrong with me tonight, but I wouldn't tell him what it was. I didn't want to trigger anything in him. Besides, he was so messed up back then that he might not even remember who he saw it with.
Well, there ya have it folks. Still struggling over the small remnants of a big cave-in, but doing pretty well.
Time to sleep, thank God!
I did finally respond to your incredible comments and e-mails from a couple of weeks ago. I'm sorry it took me so long to get around to that. I'm sure that no other blogger is as blessed as I am to have such godly, and encouraging, readers. You inspire me.
I'm pretty much just worn out. We don't have a dishwasher, and while we do have a washing machine, it's a very small one. I spend most of my time on dishes and laundry. I just spent the evening patching and mending Hubby's clothes, and finishing the kitchen. After my "chores" were done, I looked around and realized that our carpet is in extreme need of a serious vacuuming. I mean awful! But, all four kids are sleeping soundly, and I'm not about to chance waking them. So, the vacuuming will have to wait. Let the blogging begin!
My mom and grandma were in town last week. Did I mention that? They came to see my kids too, but the "reason" they were here was to watch my brother and sister-in-law's kids while they went on a little vacation (Can you upload the smell of jealousy over a dial-up connection?). It was a nice visit, but my grandma is a little high-strung, which makes my mom nervous, which makes me want to lock my door...well, you get the picture. Overall though, it was a very successful visit.
We also had a good girlfriend of mine staying with us for a few days. It was wonderful having her here, but company always makes me a little tired, no matter how helpful they are. I really enjoyed the adult conversation though! And, she was so sweet to sleep in the girls' room since we don't have a place for company.
Today we did our "new normal" Saturday thing. We drove into Taos to grocery shop, and pick up a few things at Wal-Mart. It's close to an hour drive each way, so it takes a good part of the day. Today we also needed to get tires for our minivan, which we can't afford (the tires or the van! ha!). I think we got a good deal on some used tires, but we'll see what the mechanic says when he puts them on. Neither Hubby or I know much about cars.
Hubby and I are doing pretty well. But I always hate him on Saturday mornings. He played video games while I fed, bathed, and clothed the kids, and got us ready for the day. I know he needs a day off, so it's a hard one....but I could use one too.
Also, I suffered through a BIG trigger tonight because of a stupid cartoon! Hubby was channel surfing to find something for the girls to watch (we ended up with cable because of our apartment complex, which hasn't posed any problems yet). He landed on "Over the Hedge". My heart stopped, and took awhile to start beating again. While we were separated he took "someone" to see that movie. I only know because I found the ticket stubs in his wallet when he was over visiting the girls (and I was SNOOPING!). It was an extremely painful discovery, because we had seen a cartoon on our first date (at my request), and had continued seeing them together as "our thing".
Hubby knew something was wrong with me tonight, but I wouldn't tell him what it was. I didn't want to trigger anything in him. Besides, he was so messed up back then that he might not even remember who he saw it with.
Well, there ya have it folks. Still struggling over the small remnants of a big cave-in, but doing pretty well.
Time to sleep, thank God!
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
To Make A Long Story...
I don't know how short this will be, but I know I'm too tired to completely catch up with one post. I'm online, from home! I've actually been online since last night, but I haven't had much time to breathe until just now.
Hubby and I are good. I went through a period of numbness after the move. I think it was mostly due to exhaustion, although there were some other factors. I'm still tired, but I'm beginning to feel for Hubby once again. I don't know how many of you will be able to relate to this, but we're really being recognized as a valid couple (by the people who know our story) here at our church. This is helping to remove a lot of the remaining shame I have felt over his betrayal, and is allowing me to feel like a legitimate wife again.
The neighbors I complained about in my last post have moved out! We were hoping to rent their apartment when that happened (since it connects to ours, and would add another bedroom), but it would be a larger rent increase than we had hoped. Please pray that whoever rents it next will be patient and long-suffering!
We are being asked to step into public ministry a little sooner than Hubby or I expected. Part of what is being requested is that I have an official ministry website. I suppose it should include some of my story, what I believe about marriage, experts' opinions on sex-addiction, etc. It won't be a blog like this one, but will contain set links to specific content. Those of you who have read all or most of this blog, what do you think should be "showcased" on my website? Also, I know that some of you are web-designers, and may be able to help with the details. Any help you can provide will be greatly appreciated.
I'd better go to bed...but more tomorrow (or tonight at this point)!
Hubby and I are good. I went through a period of numbness after the move. I think it was mostly due to exhaustion, although there were some other factors. I'm still tired, but I'm beginning to feel for Hubby once again. I don't know how many of you will be able to relate to this, but we're really being recognized as a valid couple (by the people who know our story) here at our church. This is helping to remove a lot of the remaining shame I have felt over his betrayal, and is allowing me to feel like a legitimate wife again.
The neighbors I complained about in my last post have moved out! We were hoping to rent their apartment when that happened (since it connects to ours, and would add another bedroom), but it would be a larger rent increase than we had hoped. Please pray that whoever rents it next will be patient and long-suffering!
We are being asked to step into public ministry a little sooner than Hubby or I expected. Part of what is being requested is that I have an official ministry website. I suppose it should include some of my story, what I believe about marriage, experts' opinions on sex-addiction, etc. It won't be a blog like this one, but will contain set links to specific content. Those of you who have read all or most of this blog, what do you think should be "showcased" on my website? Also, I know that some of you are web-designers, and may be able to help with the details. Any help you can provide will be greatly appreciated.
I'd better go to bed...but more tomorrow (or tonight at this point)!
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